Moment One
Over the next few weeks I want to share a small part of my life with you, I want to show you my experiences, my demons and become vulnerable with you. My mission is to help educate women, empower women and to make a difference on how we view our bodies.
I am going to start back at the beginning, the first time I remember being called ‘fat’ and the moment I started spiralling into a negative relationship with food.
I was only 14 years old, dancing was my passion- it made me feel so free, so vibrant and I wanted nothing more than to DANCE. I was and still am pretty short; always being the smallest in the class – front and centre with a big smile and the attitude of a performer & lastly my weight, well… you could see my rib cage (if you get the picture).
At this stage, I ate healthy and I ate in moderation, my mum would always give us a balance between vegetables, meats and ‘carbs’ such as rice or pasta. I didn’t know much about nutrition I just ate when I was hungry and whatever my mum put on the table.
I had just spent the summer at ‘dance camp’ and with loving all the classes; I begged my mum to change high schools to a performing arts school; with hesitation she allowed for me to try out for year 8 dance.
I went to the audition and the only thing I can tell you about that day was the emotional train ride; crying all the way home.
The feedback wasn’t about my dancing, it wasn’t even so much about my technique – the two areas they commented on was my weight and my height. These are not the exact words from the judges but this is my interpretation and the comments I have carried with me for 15 years – ‘You are too fat to be a dancer’.
This was also the year that my parents officially separated and life become a little bit harder, I started to obsess about my weight as this was something I could control, I would not eat very much and then binge with my friends on the weekends. Still not understanding nutrition much, except that there were ‘good food’ and ‘bad foods’ or so I thought.
3 years later, dancing became not only my passion but my escape from reality (a broken family and a manipulative boyfriend) dancing, became my home and my safe place.
Food on the other hand became my enemy; I gained a few kilos from emotional eating and found that once I lost control; I couldn’t stop eating.
Instead of adults asking me what was wrong, my dance teacher who I looked up to commented "you have really let yourself go".
And this is where it really begins….
Moment Two
18 years old, and off into the real world I went…
I started studying anatomy and understanding more about nutrition and what our body needed to be healthy. However, at this stage in my life I was still very black and white…there was no grey area, everything was either right or wrong / good or bad including food.
I started eating super healthy and found that I would feel guilty any time I would eat take away or sugary foods. Then making my way into the fitness industry, there was this expectation (that I created in my mind) that you were to eat clean; so I became even stricter on myself when it came to eating. But this isn’t my moment I want to share with you – at this stage I thought that this was ‘ok’, I would eat clean most of the time then the occasional ‘bad’ food and things were fine.
I thought I was a typical girl who had body image problems ‘not liking my legs’ and ‘wanting to be skinnier’; like, doesn’t everyone go through these feelings???
The moment I want to share with you is very confronting and something I haven’t told many people, so here goes:
Moment Two, begins with the friend conversations that we have while getting ready to go out or planning our weekend outfit – you know the old saying "do I look fat in this?". I had a friend who was very unwell suffering from her own eating disorder; we were all getting ready to go to a party and she came and stood next time me to compare her thighs against mine then asked the other girls "do my legs look as big as Sarah’s?".
Now, to this day I know that my friend was not doing this to make me feel bad or to harm me, she was doing this to fight her own demons that she had going on; BUT…..
This was my next moment on my journey of body image problems – I went home and stood in the mirror and analysed my thighs over and over; from then on… before we would head out on the weekends, I wouldn’t eat… so I would look "skinnier" to keep up with my friends. I then followed through with purging 3 times only when eating ‘bad’ foods including ice cream and chocolate. In my mind, this only happened 3 times and it only happened when I ate the ‘bad’ foods. So, I didn’t believe I had a problem and eventually I moved on from these friendships and found myself feeling better and this didn’t happen again.
I continued to eat well with the occasional ‘bad’ food treat and I found myself working at a gym where I was not only training but taking multiple classes a day. I was super fit, young, and ate well – but not for long……
Moment Three
I remember this moment as if it was yesterday, it was Mother’s day lunch at an Asian restaurant in Templestowe Lower.
There were about 10 people at the table and it was with my husbands family; back then, we had only been together just under a year and it was one of my first family events out with him.
We started with an entree of soup and within minutes I felt hot, sweaty, and my vision began to blur. I excused myself and went to the toilet.
We had been drinking the night before, so I thought ‘maybe’ I was just feeling off from that…
In the toilet, I felt like I was going to vomit, my throat began to tighten and I felt my asthma coming on or so I thought.
I wanted to make a good impression with Nathan’s family, so I was really quick in the toilet trying to freshen up but came back out feeling worse then ever; I was not OK. I went back to the table and told him we needed to leave quickly as I wasn’t feeling well, he complied.
All the symptoms continued to get worse as we drove to my house; my mum met us at the front door.
SHE WAS FURIOUS…
I had always suffered from odd food symptoms such as hives, headaches, diarrhea, vomiting and feeling lethargic after certain foods. But this was next level.
My mum working in her industry had seen these symptoms many times – I was going into anaphylactic shock. She was furious as she was frightened that I let the symptoms come on this bad and didn’t call an ambulance.
This moment isn’t necessarily about body image, however this moment plays a huge role into my obsession with ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods. For the next 2 years I was analysed by doctors, assessed over and over, pricked and prodded.
Within the first year, I went into shock another 4 times, and was given an Epipen to assist with my allergies which the doctors couldn’t work out ‘what’ I was actually allergic to.
I had to keep a diary of anytime I had a rash on my chest to anytime I went into shock – what I had eaten that day and what was in the food.
Moment Four
Each moment in my story that I have shared so far has impacted my life to where I am now, however what I am about to share; this moment in my life, would have to be where understanding food and the digestive system literally became my whole world.
At this time in my life I am 22 years old, fit as a fiddle – working as a group fitness instructor and personal trainer.
I was probably teaching about 4-6 classes a day and what some of you don’t realise is… a group fitness instructor doesn’t just stand around, they participate in the session to demonstrate all movements – therefore, I was working out anywhere from 4-6 even 7 hours a day.
If you have read my previous blogs you will know that my struggles with food have been hard, and realising I was anaphylactic made me a lot of aware of what I needed to put in my mouth.
Issue was, for some strange reason EVERYTHING I put in my mouth at this stage made me sick; I was finally at a stage in my life where I was fit and feeling alright with food; but then for some odd reason anything I ate just made me want to be sick.
No….I was not pregnant haha
This went on for a few months and I slowly, slowly stopped eating food. Not because I thought I was fat or because I wanted to be skinnier – I genuinely wanted to eat but every time I did, I felt sick and began getting a fear of food. Within a few months I was down to around 42kg, I looked gaunt and ill; not long after this, I passed out in a shopping centre and was rushed to hospital with severe stomach pains.
For months doctors couldn’t find anything; I did test after test after test until…. I was diagnosed with a bacterial infection called helicobacter pylori – simple terms I had a bacteria worm inside my tummy that was eating my stomach lining and had destroyed 90% of the lining – which caused stomach acid to create a burning sensation when I was eating.
CRAZY RIGHT… Well according to the doctor this bug is very common but based upon my exercise level and the fact I was not eating enough – the bug had nothing to feed on so it started attacking me.
At this point in my life I knew I needed to change a few things to make sure that I would be healthy.
Getting rid of the bug was a very long process including 8 tablets a day, vomiting repeatedly and the recovering of my stomach lining took 7 years and still to this day it doesn’t always seem right. The fear of food to along time to conquer, but again this moment made an impact to my relationship with food and my body image…
So lets recap –
Moment 1 Being called ‘FAT"
Moment 2 Creating a ‘good’ and ‘bad’ relationship with food
Moment 3 Anaphylactic to MSG causing limitations to food
Moment 4 Helicobacter pylori causing fear of food and damaging my stomach
Stay tuned for Moment 5
With Love Sarah xoxo
Moment Five
From 22 to 27 years, I focused on becoming the healthiest version of myself possible.
This included exercising, eating well, having treats only once a week and focusing on rebuilding my stomach lining.
I had a moderately good relationship with food but still focused on ‘good’ or ‘bad’ food types limiting my ‘bad’ foods to the weekend.
But I still loved trying every single fad diet that would come out; I would give most of them a shot. From super foods, keto, paleo; you name it and I’ve probably researched it or tried it.
Some of it was to make sure I understood the diets, so when a client would ask I would be able to educate them not only from a book but from experience; but let’s be real for a minute looking back my relationship with food was probably worse than I thought.
However, for the first time in my life I was happy with my body.
I felt good
I felt fit
I felt happy
I never thought I would be able to say that, but I felt like I was in a good position in my fitness journey. My stomach has pretty good and my allergies were under control, as I understood them better.
I would spend most of my spare time making healthy treats with organic foods or super foods. I would go for amazing runs, loved training basic weights with a lot of rehabilitation and activation exercises & generally was HAPPY.
So…… I decided I wanted a challenge.
Again, wanted to be educated in my career, so I looked into one of the most popular sports – ‘Body Building’, I decided it would be a great challenge & a form of education to go through the process of competing in a bikini competition.
So at the beginning of 2016 I decided that my year goal would be to compete.
Stay Tuned for Moment Six
With Love, Sarah xoxo
Moment Six
The straw that broke the camels back or so they say!!!
Now, before I write this blog I want to make it very clear that what I am about to share is my personal experience and I still truly admire anyone who competes in these sports; just because it isn’t for me – does not mean that I don’t respect the sport or the hard work people put into it.
2016 goal – compete in a bikini body building comp
I had my eye on the prize and during the whole preparation nothing else matter apart from my training and my eating. I did not focus on anything else, my whole world became ‘comp’.
The beginning….
Coming from a basic group fitness and corrective exercise rehab background; body building broke a lot of the basic rules. At first, I was hesitant with the training as it was so different to what I was used to. but then I fell in love. Once my body adapted to the training, I felt great and could see the changes occurring of muscle growth.
The food was not much different as I was pretty healthy, however my protein intake increased massively.
The middle….
This is where it changed for me, knowing that I was going into a competition where you would be judged on how you looked – I started becoming very obsessed with starring in the mirror, picking apart my body, analysing every inch of fat.
My food became quiet strict and without realising, I starting becoming obsessed with food – wanting everything I couldn’t have and when it came to the ‘cheat meal’ on the weekend I would feel so guilty for eating it. Again, at the time I didn’t think I was that bad but looking back now; it was controlling my whole world.
In regards to learning though, I had never macro counted or calorie counted & I was absolutely learning so much about food; I loved the knowledge I was soaking up.
The peak….
The last few weeks leading up my coach removed most my carbs & did the old ‘fish & lettuce diet’ (which I might add, there are much better ways to comp prep) but I was not aware at the time & as mentioned my background was not body building.
At this stage I was looking pretty good, I had a full six pack even at the end of the day, my body was tight & I was at my peak but then with the changes to my diet – my body did not adapt & I actually went backwards. But, I trusted my coach & did whatever he said.
My body started shutting down; if you have read my previous blogs, the helicobacter pylori and the damage to my stomach and digestive system was not in my favour here.
With the food being so strict, I was getting blood noses, cramping, bloating, severe pain, and I found out that my body was not absorbing the nutrition I was putting in including water.
Now, I am not here to blame anyone not even my coach as this is something that we did not foresee and he isn’t trained to pick up on this. However, the one thing that broke me, was when my coach turned around and said ‘some people, are just not strong enough for this sport’. So, with all my stubbornness – I proceeded to finish what I started, ignoring every single health risk.
Because my body was going backwards, and knowing that in a few weeks or days I would be on stage being judged on how I looked; my mind went.
I was at an all time low of body dysmorphia, I thought I was obese – that I was not good enough for this; but I was so determined at the same time.
Comp day….
The day was finally here and although I didn’t think I looked amazing I still went to the day and to be honest I loved every single minute.
*The make up
*The hair
*The tan
*The pump up
*The people
*Being back stage
*Being on stage
Absolutely, everything – it was so much fun, it reminded me of dancing & for anyone who knows me, knows I love the stage.
I didn’t win, I didn’t even place & to be honest for me – yer I was a little bummed but I didn’t really care. I was happy for the one day and really enjoyed it.
The aftermath….
Coming out of a comp there are a few things that I now know I should have received but didn’t including a ‘reverse diet’. However, not having this isn’t the reason I spiraled, the rest is on me.
About 3 weeks after comp and going back to a ‘normal diet’, I began to find myself being strict on food and then binging. The binging was so bad that I would eat anything and everything for a period of 10-20 minutes.
I gained about 7kg over another period of 3 weeks and found that I would not be seen in public expect for work.
My self worth was at an all time low, and old habits of binging & purging happened a few times within the 3 months. I was so ashamed of myself, I was meant to be a fitness professional who did a bikini comp; but instead I didn’t even place and now I was ‘fat’. I hated myself, and I believed that all my worth was in how I looked.
My relationship with food was at an all time low & I even lost a few friends along the way as I couldn’t bring my head above the darkness of what I was living. Again, now looking back I was still in the basic 8-10 clothing size range and some of my friends just couldn’t understand the disease inside my head.
Not to mention my hormones were so out of wack; I had a hospital trip and an ambulance out over night to help me.
Again, I did not realise how sick I was until I had 2 lightbulb moments.
Light bulb one – I was driving home from work and I had not eaten all day, I felt faint & decided to stop at the servo & grab something small to eat. I found a macadamia honey nut bar & ate it.
But, I checked the calories on it & went straight to the gym to match the exact calories on the bar even though I had trained before work & on my lunch break.
Light bulb two – I skipped three 30th birthdays of close friends because I was ‘too fat’ and couldn’t be seen. I then went to one of my close friends 30th’s it was a sunny nice afternoon & I went in a huge brown jacket; I was so hot I was sweating & my friends said to take it off but I wouldn’t. This is when one of my guy friends finally asked me what was going on.
Talking about it to him was the start of my recovery; I also told my best girlfriend everything from start to finish. She is the reason I am recovered today.
If I can give any advice to anyone who is suffering – it would be to start talking.
I had a disorderly eating disorder – where you would restrict then binge & match workouts to calories. This is just as unhealthy as bulimia or anorexia, it’s just that people do not realise these are conditions.
At this stage I regretted everything to do with the competition, I wished for anything to go back to the start of the year and not make the decision to compete. Oh, I forgot to mention I broke both my feet just after and was in 2 moon boots with stress fractures on both feet. I hated training, I hated food and I struggled to even get out of bed.
Writing this now; breaks my heart for the person I was at the time, but I have no regrets going through this process because… I have learnt so much, my research, my experience and my studies have now progressed in hormones, nutrition, exercise, and mindset. I would not be empowering women today if I had not gone through this.
My journey does not stop here.
Stay tuned for Moment Seven.
With Love, Sarah xoxo
Moment Seven
The most amazing moment in my life, it was absolutely everything I ever thought it would be…
*Magical
*Loving
*Overwhelming (in a good way)
*Beautiful
*Honest
*Raw
It was the moment, my now husband proposed to me.
I was not prepared for the love I experienced in this moment, I will never forget the day he proposed & the time planning our engagement, our wedding & everything in between.
It was more than I ever hoped for, it was an absolute fairy tale.
Now I am sharing with you the above not cause I want to tell you how amazing my relationship is, but to share with you that even though I was feeling so loved by my partner, my friends, my family in this moment – it just didn’t matter because I still didn’t love myself.
So you guys can get an understanding about ‘me’ a little more; there are 3 things I am good at… cleaning, organising and training.
They are also the 3 things that distract me from dealing with any life problems; like a disorderly eating disorder.
It was perfect timing – a distraction from ‘post comp blues’ to start organising and planning a wedding.
I went from obsessing about competing to obsessing about planning the wedding.
Anyway, back to the actual moment
The proposal was amazing, but it was actually the engagement party where the moment occurred.
Take Note: ***The picture above was my actual engagement dress/night & the picture below is the dress I was meant to wear but just couldn’t bring myself to do it (eventually, I wore the gold dress – 6 months later to another event; this was a proud moment & a moment I realised my triggers; but that’s for another blog)
I planned everything down to a tee, I had a masquerade event with gold & black colour theme for over 200 guests to enjoy a lovely evening. Until 1 week out I realised that I would be the center of attention.
Now, normally I love attention – not going to lie. BUT … not when I felt like my body was terrible & the thought of people looking at me freaked me out so much, that I decided I wanted to cancel the engagement party.
I had a gold glitter dress that was super tight and I felt so obese in it I couldn’t bring myself to wear it, I cried for nights until my husband made me by a white dress which I wore on the night.
My engagement was amazing, but I knew that having these moments of tears and wanting to cancel my own party cause I felt ‘fat’; I just knew I had a lot of work to do. I had stopped binging and purging and tracking any calories; I was doing well, but I would still would become guilty for eating anything ‘bad’.
So, it was my mission to find self love before my wedding…. which brings me to Moment Eight. Stay Tuned!
With Love, Sarah xoxo
Moment Eight
There are 2 things I post regularly on my social media – my outfits & my full bowls of food.
Some of you may find it annoying, some of you have told me ‘you love waiting to see what I wear’ & some of you may not have noticed. All 3 of those outcomes are fine by me because; I post these 2 important things in my life not to please anyone other than myself.
I post my outfits because I use to have full melt downs about clothes, the sizing of clothes, the wearing of clothes, and the thought of going out. So, my cute outfits that I wear and post now are not to please my social media followers but are a huge reminder that ‘I got this’, that I look good in anything and I can go out without stressing about how I look because… I am fabulous in anything.
I post my full bowls of food because if you have read all my other blogs, food used to scare me and now I eat and I eat a lot; sometimes more than my husband. I am not scared of food, I love food and it fuels me to do fun activities in my life.
Anyway, why is this even relevant you ask… Moment Eight – my wedding or to be exact my wedding dress ‘the outfit’, the ultimate outfit.
I would marry my husband over and over and over – planning a wedding, the actual wedding and everything about a wedding was just absolutely divine. I loved it.
Except, the wedding dress process.
After my engagement we had 16 months until the wedding; during this time I was actually doing really well with food and slowly learning to love myself.
I decided I wanted to have my dress made and not bought. I didn’t know at the time, but this process was one of the hardest things I had to go through.
Every time I went for a fitting I would cry and not because the dress wasn’t what I wanted; I would cry because of how it looked on me.
I was devastated, I was a typical bride though and was loosing weight every single fitting; on my last fitting the dress was too big and they said they couldn’t take it in anymore because it would change the pattern. Normally, a bride would be happy hearing this, but I still thought that I didn’t look small enough to be ‘the bride who was a personal trainer’.
I am not sure exactly what I thought I should look like and was certainly putting this expectation on myself which I could never meet.
Now, anything on the day could go wrong but if I didn’t like my dress on me then I wouldn’t be happy. Again, this moment made me realise that although my food and fitness was back on track – I still needed to find self worth past my body.
Same as the engagement the fear of having everyone look at me was so overwhelming that I almost couldn’t go through with it.
But I did, and I decided it would not benefit me to look in the mirror so I didn’t and my day becoming a wife was beautiful & surprisingly I didn’t even think of my body.
A happily married couple, we set off to Europe.
Now, coming from routine of training and nutrition on point going to Europe meant eating out all the time and no training schedule.
I love adventure, so to be honest I didn’t stress about it. I ate food, relaxed and ate more food.
I gained weight; about 5kg over the month of travelling but I came home with no regrets for the first time ever because I enjoyed myself.
I didn’t fit comfortably into my clothes but I had realised something in Europe which was there is so much more to life then giving a F*#k about a size on the scale or how you looked.
Coming back I realised that I didn’t have anything to distract me anymore, so it was officially time to start a proper journey to find self love. I started reading, researching, podcast listening, daily routines of affirmations, gratitude – you name it I have tried it.
I first had to hit emotional rock bottom and find the real source as to why I felt this way about myself, and it comes down to many moments and many experiences in my life as I have blogged from moment one to eight.
I just want to make a note that no matter how I felt towards myself and my body – I have never once placed judgement on anyone else EVER; it has always been an internal battle.
To this day, I am still on my journey and I call it a journey as I have great days and some days I have to remind myself that my worth comes from other areas – its a battle that I will always have to fight but I am 1000 times better than I have ever been.
I share my story through my workshops and if you would like to read more about how to find self confidence.
I hope you have enjoyed my past moments….There will be more to come… stay tuned!!!
With Love, Sarah xoxo
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